“I’m unsure how to find security and grace…

in the complex world we have inherited.” I read that in the book, “The Blessings of a Skinned Knee – Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children” and it really seemed to resonate with me, as I think it best describes how I am feeling these days. I am anxious, antsy and really needing something more, but not in a tangible way. But I think what it really boils down to is my deep need to find those two simple things, security and grace. I think the rest will come with those two building blocks.

So I took the plunge and made an appointment for us to tour Congregation Shalom next tuesday. They have Tot-Shabbat and other family focused things, so I am really excited about that. We both have been wanting a sense of community, people to rally around and a way to serve. I think this will be just what we need…and so far the place sounds really open and accepting. Which it really has to be to accept my gay, adoptive, bi-racial family right? We have found that this past year has been very challenging for us.  We have felt really alone. We have friends who say, “If you ever need anything, anything just say the word.” Yet we had some really tough times and found the least likely people to be our biggest supporters, and those we thought would rise to the occasion were no where to be found. I get it, people have their priorities as we have ours. And I know we have certainly not been the best friends, depending on what you describe as a friend. But we are good people…and we have divided our time between our family and trying to serve others.

We have rushed to our friends sides when they unexpectedly but happily were placed with their foster child by dropping off clothes, blankets, baby stuff galore on their doorstep. We have taken carloads of clothing and blankets to the mission this winter to help keep people warm. We hosted our kids birthday party with a Pajama & book drive instead of the usual gifts and took them to a church weeks before the holidays, knowing that this holiday season is a lean time for many and at least a few more kids will have warm PJ’s and books to cuddle up with. That makes me feel really good. So while I feel guilty about not spending enough time with some family and friends, I do not feel guilty about the reasons why I have less time to give. But again, we have felt alone. It is one of the biggest reasons we also want to move to California. Simply because there is a greater pool of family there. We have no one right now that we can call to pick up the kids if we are stuck in traffic, etc. We have no sitters, we really do not have other adult couples to spend time with…we need to build a new network.

I don’t know, deep down I think I am hoping it will all lead to a new job too. I think I need to find something more meaningful, something that will make a difference. Now, more than ever, I feel like I need to make a difference.

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