Missing Out

Nearly two weeks ago I was in a car accident. I had a tib/fib fracture with a metal rod inserted, I am doing better but am sure I have a long way to go. I hate it. I am huge on traditions and special moments, it’s probably one of the biggest reasons I wanted to have children. I missed their birthday party, I missed my sons bday. I am going to miss Halloween, and not sure if they are even going to dress up and go out in the great costumes I picked for them months ago. It makes me so sad.
My partner has had to really step up and do mostly everything as I can do very very little. I realized how little yesterday when she went outside for a minute with my 2 year old son, leaving me in the house with my 1 year old who got into the garbage and pulled out clorox wipes I used to clean the toilet. Well, I couldn’t pick her up, I yelled at her in a panic which made her cry, then she wanted to put her hands in her mouth. All I could do was hold her hands so she could not put them in her mouth. I couldn’t pick her up, nothing.
I feel like Zoe, my one year old is pulling away from me, she is used to Staci doing everything now and cries when Staci gives her to me. Carter, thank goodness missed me while I was away, asked for me and kept asking where my car was while I was away.
I am so angry at the person who did this. I am so sad that these moments are being stolen from me. I will never get them back.

Friday, October 16th changed my life

I left work friday, October 16th, 2009 at about 3:15 pm, the plan was I would go to the market, get things to make a veggie stir fry, cook it and then run and Pick Up Carter from day care all while Staci, Grandma and Zoe shopped for last minute things at Costo for the joint birthday party for Carter and Zoe.

While I was at the stoplight, I noticed a car in the oncoming traffic that was going totally fast while everyone else was stopped at the red light. Well, this white car came blazing past the oncoming cars stopped at the red light, went over the medium, took down the traffic light, crossed into the other lane (the lane i would drive into when the light turned green…I waited to see if it was going to keep drifting right on the other other street or come at me…turns out he straightened it out and was coming for me…there was a car to my left because we were at a stop light. I tried to back up a little (I think) and then drive to the left to get out of his way…but the next thing I knew, he slammed into me…the impact came, the airbag deployed…I screamed “Fu&*, Fu&*, FU&*!” and slammed my hands on the steering wheel, so pissed…my left breast burned, I patted it thinking I was on fire…I then went to move and felt instant pain in my left leg. It was shaking, bouncing, almost dangling, I held it at the hip screaming! I opened my door and screamed, over and over…I found my cell phone (which I always have in my pocket since I saw the Onstar commercial that shows the cell phone flying through the air in a crash) mine was charging so I just had to pull on the cord. I called my partner Staci first leaving a message saying I was in an accident and my leg was messed up and I can’t get Carter and Hunter (my dog) is in the car and not responding to me calling his name. I then called Lisa, my coworker, who I thought was the closest to come get Hunter and take him to the vet…I let someone else call 911. I didn’t know if I was going to pass out and needed to make sure Staci knew and Hunter was going to be ok. I told the EMT’s that my dog was in back and not to open the door or let him out, that is is old and blind and prob scared…Hunter finally popped up for a second and then laid back down…at least I knew he was alive.

I could not feel my leg from the knee down and it just kept doing weird bobbing motions. I kept trying to convince myself that if I only lost my leg at least I was still alive. My breast really hurt. It felt like forever…I kept yelling, it was a white car, did you see it? To which I learned it ended up on the other side of the intersection, I told them not to let them get away. When the EMT’s came they said I had to wait for a second ambulance as the first was with the other car…I got pissed and said, “F them, they’re drunk, they hit me, take care of me first” to which the EMT said, “Hey, now, they are elderly and in bad shape, I don’t think alcohol is involved here.”

I had to help them get me out of the car, by doing a lot of scootching, etc…it was painful and I could not stop shivering. The ambulance ride was horrible, all of it is a control freaks worst nightmare…and I am definately a control freak. The C collar was hurting me so bad, at one point, I wasn’t sure which hurt worse the C collar or the leg. Xrays confirmed I had a tibia and fib fracture that would require surgery. I had surgery on monday and have been slowly recovering since…it is the most painful thing I have ever felt (way more painful than a torn ACL, which was pretty damn painful).

They say one of the people in the other car may have died…I still dont have the accident report so I do not know if they even have insurance. I am still so angry, SO ANGRY! I was just going about my life, my business, not talking on the phone while driving, or being unattentive, nothing…and this guy came and altered my life so severely for the next how many months to a year…I missed my daughters 1 year bday party, my sons 2 year bday party…Halloween I doubt I can go on because how can we push a wheelchair and take both kids out?

My partner doesnt do well in stress, so she is already stressed out having to do everything by herself…getting them ready in the morning, getting them dinner and bath and bedtime in the evening. So things are going to be so stressful. I cannot pick up my children, I cannot carry them…I cannot drive…

I am so angry, yet lucky…

Two Years Ago Today

While I was in the Mac Store, two years ago today, I was being called repeatedly by my partner Staci. When I got to my car and checked my phone I had all these voicemails from Staci, frantically wanting me to call her. It turned out they had a baby boy for us who was born on the 21st and could go home on the 23rd, blah blah bah did we want him? I said, say no more, call them back and tell them we want him. We rushed to Tar*get to get the last minute supplies, age appropriate and sex appropriate things. The next day, at 11:00 am a car pulled up and like a pizza delivery we got our son…there was 10 minutes of paperwork and then she was gone…and we stood white in the face, holding our son…wow! The minute I held him I loved him…two years later he is a big boy 2 year old and officially adopted by us.

He is adored and amazing.

What a Day This Turned Out to Be!

Zoe did not have visits with her birth mom until she was 8 months old…and now for the past few months “mom” has decided that it’s really fun to play dolly with Zoe and has been having 2 hour visits, supervised for the past few months…skipping a few, when you know, she oversleeps (being jobless and all it’s hard to get places on time). She has been saying she wanted to take Zoe on her visit her birthday week to get photos taken. And she actually followed through this time. So the visit worker drove her to what I am assuming is Wal*mart, etc. Well, her visit is from noon – 2:00 pm, at 2:30 day care called me to tell me Zoe had not returned yet. My stomach dropped, my pulse shot up! I called my caseworker got voicemail saying she was out for the day. Called caseworkers supervisor, got his vm and he never returned my call. I tracked down the company that does visits and got the cell phone of the worker, called her, and she did not answer. I jumped in my car, sped off and had every intention of sitting in the day care parking lot so that when she DID return with my daughter I could bust out the biggest can of WHOOP ASS you have ever seen…I called day care on my way asking if she was back yet…she was, Staci was now there too and I said, “You tell Staci that she is NOT to leave until she finds out where the Hell my daugher has been and why she is late!”

Welcome to the foster system! You can never reach someone in an emergency. I didn’t know what to do, I left ranting messages on my caseworkers voicemail, tomorrow should be interesting…

I went on about responsibility, accountability, professionalism…and how in my world you don’t get to just be late…be unaccountable for your actions, be unprofessional! How am I supposed to be comfortable on thursdays knowing that when my daughter is not in day care and not with me she is with a “professional” who cannot keep on schedule OR pick up a god damned cell phone and tell someone they will be late…that for 40 minutes my precious cargo was unaccounted for.

I work with dogs for a living and I can guarantee you that if I were to be late bringing a dog home, I would call…CALL! I would apologize for being late, I would not blame it on the proximity of the photo place chosen. (Because, fyi, it doesn’t take more than a half hour to get anywhere in Milwaukee, so that is a load of shit!)

I don’t think anyone has any clue the thoughts that ran through my mind today…or how glad I was to see my little girl when I got home…

or how pissed this Mamma bear can get when you f*$! with her cubs!

My Kids Melt Me…

Zoe's 1st cake! & Our First Glimpse of Zoe

Our first glimpse at Zoe

Zoe's 1st cake!

Yesterday my little girl turned 1! I now have two 1 year olds (that is until Carter turns 2 in two weeks). It’s weird when you look at it that way. I also realized the other day that I keep thinking of Zoe as much younger and smaller than she is…all of the sudden she is 1! I have not been doing things with her that I did when her brother was her age, and I think I figured out why. She was such a difficult baby, that until she was about 8 months old we never really knew who she was. Literally, nothing made her happy until we finally did a major diet switch with her GFSFCF (Gluten Free, Soy Free, Casein Free) that changed her over to a happy child within 24 hours. If you would have asked me what she liked, I could not have answered the question…asking me her strengths or positive attributes, I could have listed none, other than tenacity. So for me, Zoe kind of got stuck in infancy, because I really feel like I am now finally getting to know her.

She is beautiful. I know all mothers are biased, but this kid is stunning! She is strong willed, and will make a mean business woman someday. She loves to dance and sing (or more like scream). She loves her big brother and tries to emulate him. She is trying to walk and says “Mama” and “Dada” and when I say…”No no, we don’t have a dada” I swear she thinks its funny to mess with me and she then shakes her head and says “dada” and laughs!

Today one year ago we got the call that our little girl we were waiting for was born. Tomorrow marks one year ago that we drove to the hospital and plucked her from the nursery. She was so tiny and really looks nothing like she did then, now. Parts of me miss the baby days, especially with Carter who is becoming so independent (he now puts his own nebulizer mask on and turns on the machine, and sits and watches Caillou while he gets his treatment…when he feels no more is coming out he turns it off.).

I think I will feel even more nostalgic in a few weeks when it is Carters birthday. A friend asked me if the excitement feels the same with the second child and for me honestly, it didn’t feel the same…it felt different…I have to admit, Carter will always hold the key to my heart…not that I love Zoe less, just differently. I know my mom feels the same way about me:)

Last night we sang happy birthday and had cake with Carter and Zoe, just the four of us…it was small and sweet and for a moment it was just us in our own little world…they held hands, Carter sang sweetly…and they picked frosting off the cake. Hands stained blue from frosting, life couldn’t be better…

and I wish the conservatives had a peek into my window last night to see the sweetness, the normality…the completeness…