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My Daughter Came Home all “Ghetto”

The bane of my existence right now are the once a week for 2 hours, supervised visitation our foster daughter has with her "mother". Our daughter is African American and I have been dreading this day…she is almost one and today she left our home with two cute pig tails in her hair, only to return with a head full of "grease" and 4 pony tails in her hair. Seriously? Now, this is where some may not agree with me…I was warned that this is a huge HUGE thing in the African American community…hair…but I have read tons in the past two years AND spoke with hair professionals and the truth, TRUTH is, that "grease" and crazy pony tail styles are NOT needed…it does not, "train" their hair…"grease" does not need to be applied to the scalp to make the hair softer…I am so sick of all this crap, which is basically folklore…it's what my "momma" did…etc.

Now, I embrace the fact that my children are black…I do…I know that hair is a huge part of identity and that is why I will maintain their hair with pride and make sure NOT to straighten it or anything that would make their hair different or damage it…but the "grease" and 900,000 hair pieces in their hair to me is crap. Its down right cruel.

We have books we read our children about african american hair and people…and knowing that our son is going to be a huge baseball player (I'm telling you this kid can run so fast and throw a ball with such accuracy it is scary) so we have already talked about making sure he is very educated on the Negro league, etc.

But this hair thing…I'm not buying it! And you tell me that if you put "grease" all in your hair and then went to bed at night it wouldn't rub off all over your sheets and then all over your face..that cannot be good.

I actually got into it yesterday at a CST meeting with "birthmom". Her visits have not been going well, and I had to sit and listen to how Z cries most of the two hours…and how mom needs to be prompted on when to pick her up and how etc…my blood was boiling…and then I had to hear about how she insisted on doing her hair, even though I had it up perfectly acceptable and cute…and Z was crying and she, even after her coaches told her to just leave it as she clearly was not happy about it…she insisted on doing her hair…I lost it…

She went on to say Z's hair was "nappy"…OH NO was I going to let her get away with that…I said, "Excuse me, that is NOT fair of you to say, nor is it accurate, you need to take that back because her hair is NOT nappy." She repeated (as if she were 4) "It's nappy"…I said, "NO, I know what nappy is and her hair is not nappy…you can comb through it at any time…it is dry but not nappy." Seriously WTF!

You see Z has a list of OT exercises we gave "birthmom" to work on with her during her visits…hard to find time to do those if you are spending time doing hair don't cha think? I nicely said, "What I would like to see for Z is for her to have help with her exercises during her visits instead of her hair done, as her hair is already done and her exercises are more important." She got very defensive and said, "I DO her exercises." (which two minutes ago she had said she sometimes does them) and I pushed…nicely…

I called her out on her shit is what I did. I was sick of her "I bore this child I know everything about her" shit…because truth be told, she has NEVER asked me a single thing about Z…she has asked me for photos and about her hair…NEVER has she asked me her favorite song, how I calm her down when she is upset…because she THINKS that she has some COSMIC connection because this child came out of her.

I nicely said, "I'm just trying to give you ideas to help you have better visits with Z"…to which she said, "I have nice visits. I know, I'm her mother…I know how to take care of her…I KNOW!" and I said, "Oh you know everything huh?"

THEN THE KICKER CAME…out of nowhere she yells, "YOU LIED TO ME!" I was like "WHAT?" I have NEVER LIED to you, when did I lie to you?" 

To which she says, "In court…" and she goes on to mention part of my testimony from last June…June of 2008! In the case her son we adopted…I was like, "IS THAT what this is all about? You're mad because we adopted your son?"

It was a complete mind Fu&% of a day…but in a way I am glad I flushed that response out of her…it just proves more that she does not change, she does not accept help or guidance because she thinks she knows what she is doing…


I hope this is over with and in our favor VERY VERY soon! I have had just about enough of this woman!

3 Responses

  1. She sounds like a complete nutso. And from what I’ve heard, there a lots of other kids too, not just your son and daughter, that she no longer has. Poor Z. I hope things work out for you.

  2. how did I miss this post!?!? I had no idea this stuff is going on!!!!!
    Ugh, Anne.. I am sorry you have to deal with this from this woman..
    Z is blessed to have you and Staci and her brother in her life.. that is how it should be forever..
    *big hugs*

  3. […] down to is that it is a giant crock of you know what. I have posted about this before in my post My Daughter Came Home All Ghetto. But much of what is assumed that black hair needs is really more of a cultural, traditional and […]

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